PM Meles Talks to Dr. Phil Part 1

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Transcript of Prime Minister Meles’ conversation with Dr. Phil.

It might be a good sign that our fearless leader has sought a little shrink help to guide him through these turbulent times… being a tyrant, after all, is not as easy as it used to be. Oh what shame these godless days have brought us. So we applaud Ato Meles, and perhaps by the sixth session or so with Dr. Phil, he will finally come to terms with his tortured inner child and leave the Ethiopian people in peace.

Dr. Phil:	So, pal… I’ve been reading a lot about you. What gives?
PMM:	Most of what you’ve read are lies.
Dr. Phil:	Woah, cowboy. How do you know what I read?
PMM:	Um…
Dr. Phil:	A little defensive are we?
PMM:	No. It’s just reflex.
Dr. Phil:	So, you think everyone’s lying about you?
PMM:	Yes! Yes. Dr. Phil, you so get me.
Dr. Phil:	Hell, boy. All I’m getting’ right now is a few heebies and a lot of jebbies.
PMM:	Is it your first time treating a tortured man?
Dr. Phil:	Naah. Do it all the time. First time I’ve treated a man who has tortured, though.
PMM:	Oh. Don’t worry. We are people, too. If you cut us, we will bleed. Then we’ll cut you in small pieces and throw your bodies to the…
Dr. Phil:	Alright. Stand down. So tell me, who has been lying about you?
PMM:	Everyone, Dr. Phil. Everyone. Except Walta and Aiga Forum. They are vessels of truth.
Dr. Phil:	Ya think? Okay, so tell me why you are here today?
PMM:	Dr. Phil, I don’t understand. As you may know, all I wanted was to bring democracy to Ethiopia and…
Dr. Phil:	Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right.
PMM:	I like that, Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil:	Not bad, huh? Hey, I’m going to call you Mel.
PMM:	I prefer Prime Minister Meles.
Dr. Phil:	Hm. Nah. You look like a Mel to me. Okay. So, you wanted to bring democracy. What went wrong?
PMM:	Well, I am just not appreciated. I am a man ahead of his time. I … Dr. Phil: Okay, Mel. Let’s stay focused. What happened?
PMM:	They just don’t appreciate a visionary leader like me, Dr. Phil. Only Tony Blair and Mr. Carter know how much of a visionary I am.
Dr. Phil:	Well, that’s no endorsement to be proud of. I mean, one’s an old coot and the other is a fornicator, so that’s just dumber than a box full of owl poop.
PMM:	I beg your pardon, Dr. Phil?
Dr. Phil:	We have a saying’ in Texas, Mel: The fool's so lost he don't know if he's afoot or on horseback.
PMM:	Can we go back to me?
Dr. Phil:	But you get my drift, Mel? Okay. Tell me. Democracy and you.
PMM:	Yes. I conducted the most free and fair elections the country has ever seen. You know why?
Dr. Phil:	‘Coz you realized that democracy is a better system than that… what’s that snazzy thing you had there… Revolutionary Democracy? Now, you know that is a bunch of malarkey, doncha, Mel? That Revolutionary Democracy is 'bout as useful as teats on a boar.
PMM:	I beg to differ, Dr. Phil. We have brought much prosperity through the…
Dr. Phil:	Okay, okay, okay. Mel, look at me. Look at me. You lookin’ at me? Revolutionary Democracy is as useful as gooseshit on a pumphandle. You get my drift?
PMM:	Why’s that?
Dr. Phil:	‘Coz, buddy, it’s all commie stuff, you know what I’m saying? Commie. Red. Looney left. Pinko. Homicidal totalitarian utopian mirage.
PMM:	Well, I have to tell you that economic paradigms are a non-litmus…
Dr. Phil:	Mel, it’s me you’re talking to. And being windier than a bag of assholes is not going to help you.
PMM:	I must stress, I don’t agree with those superlatives…
Dr. Phil:	Land. Who owns the land in Ethiopia?
PMM:	Well, that a rather capricious question that is statistically…
Dr. Phil:	Mel. Focus. Who… owns… all… the… land…in… Ethiopia?
PMM:	In a strict non-comprehensive sense that analysis…
Dr. Phil:	The state owns all the land, Mel. That’s commie.
PMM:	That’s one interpretation.
Dr. Phil:	Who owns the TV station?
PMM:	Television is really not an…
Dr. Phil:	The state owns the TV station. That’s commie, Mel.
PMM:	If you are talking strictly about the fourth estate exemplar…
Dr. Phil:	The term “Revolutionary democracy”… where does it come from?
PMM:	Well, it is a term … actually we created…
Dr. Phil:	Lenin used it in 1919. Remember Lenin? The Bolsheviks? Dissolving parliament?
PMM:	Comrade Lenin was a…
Dr. Phil:	He was a thug. Mel: lemme read you something. Who said: "It would be the greatest nonsense to assume that the profound on-going revolution of the TPLF/EPRDF, the first transference of power from the hands of the exploiting minority to the hands of the exploited majority in Ethiopian history, could take place within the framework of the old bourgeois parliamentary democracy."
PMM:	That brings tears to my eyes, Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil:	Aw, suck it, pal. You said that. You know who also said that parliamentary democracy was ka-ka?
PMM:	The revolutionary impact of Revolutionary Democracy…
Dr. Phil:	Mel… fooooo-cus. Who also said that parliamentary democracy was a bourgeoisie democracy?
PMM:	Comrade Lenin.
Dr. Phil:	Um-huh. And what happened to communism, Mel?
PMM:	Were it applied properly, Marxism would have prospered. But traitors destroyed it.
Dr. Phil:	Mel, Mel, Mel. Can’t you see that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear?
PMM:	That metaphor is not familiar to me.
Dr. Phil:	Going back to that quote: is the EPRDF not a minority government?
PMM:	I … beg your pardon? The EPRDF encompasses the oppressed majority. The EPRDF has embraced…
Dr. Phil:	Mel. Look at me. Look at me. You lookin’ at me? Are you tryin’ to be slicker than snot on a doorknob?
PMM:	What has all this got to do with the elections? And the feeling of isolation I have been feeling lately?
Dr. Phil:	Mel, we have to delve to the root causes. We gotta yank the commie out of you, y’know what I’m saying, Mel? We gotta know what’s gotten you more mixed up than a fruit smoothie.
PMM:	[sigh] All I wanted to do was bring about democracy. Was that so wrong?
Dr. Phil:	Mel, that’s what I’m sayin’ to ya… commies can’t bring about democracies. It’s like askin’ Paris Hilton to deconstruct the theory of nuclear fission. Can’t be done. Just ‘cause a chicken got wings, don’t mean it can fly.
PMM:	What are you saying, Dr. Phil? Are you saying that by nature I am unable to bring about democracy because at the very heart of it I am a … ?
Dr. Phil:	Dyed in the wool commie? Mel, I think you’re getting it.
PMM:	Are you saying that I’ve just been paying lip service to democracy because I was under pressure from donor countries and that it was all lip service?
Dr. Phil:	Mel, this is what we call a breakthrough.
PMM:	Oh, I see, Dr. Phil. I believe that your inference is that I can put my boots in the oven, but that don’t make 'em biscuits.
Dr. Phil:	For a tyrant, you ain’t half bad.
PMM:	This ain’t my first rodeo.
Dr. Phil:	You mean you’ve sought therapy before?
PMM:	Yes.
Dr. Phil:	What happened?
PMM:	I got bored. So I had the therapists executed.
Dr. Phil:	Woah. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. You are a crazy SOB. But nothing we can’t fix.
PMM:	Yeah?
Dr. Phil:	Yeah. So, our time’s nearly up. What have we learnt today?
PMM:	My homage to democracy is faker than a Louis Vitton bag on sale on 14th Street.
Dr. Phil:	Atta boy.
PMM:	I tried to fake democracy but the people were smarter than I was and usurped the plan.
Dr. Phil:	Boy, that just put a quiver in my liver.
PMM:	You are saying as long as I am fundamentally a commie, I can’t marry democracy.
Dr. Phil:	Yeeeeah. Okay.
PMM:	So the whole premise of the 2005 elections was…
Dr. Phil:	Full of more shit than a sick baby’s diaper? Ya.
PMM:	Okay. Well, I am cured. Thank you.
Dr. Phil:	Wow. Hold up. We still have a lot of work to do.
PMM:	We do? You mean I’m not cured?
Dr. Phil:	Well, let’s see… so now that you know you’ve opened up Pandora’s box, whatch you gonna do with to resolve this big mess?
PMM:	I’m gonna slap the opposition so hard, their clothes will be outta style.
Dr. Phil:	Nope. You’re not cured.
PMM:	I’m gonna re-house arrest Hailu Shawel and Lidetu Ayalew and then mass arrest their supporters.
Dr. Phil:	No… no… no…
PMM:	Then I’m gonna re-declare the ban on demonstration and call the opposition bloodthirsty before I, um, enforce more laws.
Dr. Phil:	Boyeee… Hush yo’ mouth.
PMM:	Um, I’d sign a treaty saying that I wouldn’t do those things beforehand, of course. I’m not an animal.
Dr. Phil:	Did you fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down?
PMM:	I’m sooooo confused.
Dr. Phil:	You are more confused than Bereket Simon in a logic class. Okay. Our time’s up for today. How do you feel?
PMM:	I… I am depressed.
Dr. Phil:	Good. That’s a good start. I’ll give you some drugs to calm your nerves until our next appointment.
PMM:	Oh, I love drugs.
Dr. Phil:	Down boy. And you need not to kill people until our next appointment.
PMM:	Not even one?
Dr. Phil:	Not even a’ one, Mel.
PMM:	This therapy is hard.
Dr. Phil:	Bless your heart.
PMM:	We’ll keep this confidential, of course. The politburo frowns on this kind of endeavor.
Dr. Phil:	Sure, bud. Oprah won’t like it if she knew I was treating dictators. She’s all into this Angel Network thing… You’d hate it.
PMM:	I hate people like that.
Dr. Phil:	I know you do. I know you do.
PMM:	What’s on the agenda for the next session?
Dr. Phil:	We’ll talk about your psychotic tendencies.
PMM:	Yes, I need more of them.
Dr. Phil:	Oh, jezuz.