La Lutta Evil Continua
An African human rights commission is challenging the continent's worst rights offenders, including
Yes, of course, it should be technically sad that we are celebrating an organization that finally came around to ‘challenging’ peculiarly los loco governments such as
The AU's human rights commission issued rare and critical reviews of
Aww. It’s like the first time your kid tries to poop in the commode, misses, and soils the bathroom floor. You just kneel down and clap your hands… “Yayyyy! Next time, darling, in the bowl… you see the bowl… can you say bowl? Yayyy.”
Happy to report that there is yet another coup from the Wonqville On-Crack Research Team. Apparently Prime Minister Meles Zenawi was able to interrupt a top-level donor nation meeting in
Meles: Is this.. hello… is this thing on? Helllooo. Someone, please. Is this…
Jendayi Frazer: Prime Minister Meles! This is highly inappropriate. We are in the middle of…
Meles: Can someone please check the connection. I… stop tinkering with the microphone, Bereket! Why am I surrounded by frickin’ incompetence. Mic check… 1..2…3… 3…2…1… Y’ello? Yisemal?
Hilary Benn: We can hear you, Mr. Prime Minister.
Meles: Oh. Okay. Hellllo. Welcome to my underground lair. Well, my palace. But I made it look like an underground lair. Nice, uh?
Anna Gomes: This is outrageous!
Meles: Hmm. I see we have the fembot colonial viceroy amongst us.
Condi Rice: This is a serious breech of…
Meles: Condi. Yes, hello Condi. Hmm. Most shagable Secretary of State since George Shultz. You haven’t been returning my calls, Condoleezzaaaa Rice.
Condi Rice: To what do we owe this intrusion?
Meles: I see we have dispensed with the pleasantries. Very well. As you know, I possess powers way beyond even my comprehension. I’ve shown you I am capable of shooting into crowds yet you still doubt my evilness. This has distressed me. Look at me. Look at my face. I’m all pimply with distress.
Tim Clarke: He is looking a bit ashy.
Meles: Silence! Why do you interrupt me? I hate that. So even though I keep telling you people I will hold on to power, you still think I am not evil enough. You think I am semi-evil. Quasi-evil. The Diet Coke of evil. The zeit shiro of evil.
Jendayi Frazer: The what?
Meles: I am inconsolably mocked. You designate me a pedant evil. You hurt me. I am the Nano of evil yet I am treated like an extraordinarily ordinary iPod of evil. Can’t you see that I have, as the French say, that certain “I don’t know what” when it comes to evil?
Hilary Benn: You do?
Meles: Well, not really. I can’t back that up right now but that’s not the point.
Ana Gomes: No. I believe you are evil.
Meles: Huh? Do I hear something? I thought I heard something, a frightful mumbling of a scorned woman, but maybe I didn’t? Huh? It should put lotion on itself…
Condi: Alright, let’s calm down.
Meles: Mmm. I’d like to tap me some of that. I’m honing the bezzie in the hiz-haws, youknowm’saying? Badunkadunk! You better not go there, girlfriend! …
Meles: No? Doesn’t work for you? I’ve been watching BET.
Jendayi: Is there a point to all this?
Meles: I sense malaise and sarcasm. An unfortunate amalgamation of ill-fitted emotions. Yes, there is a point. The point is, what do I have to frickin’ do to prove to you people the awesomeness of my evility? Is that a word? Evility?
Bereket: It is now, your Excellency.
Meles: Shut up.
Tim Clarke: We were in the middle of something, Prime Minister Meles.
Meles: So was I. How long have you people known me? Yet it is as if you don’t know me at all. You want me to share power and have a viable opposition… like f’schizzle? You don’t know me at all. Although I had deemed the details of my life inconsequential, maybe you should know me better before you think sanctions will bring me down. … Bereket, stop humping the laser. Geezuz. As I was saying, my life has been a series of compounded evil and… here, watch this video of my childhood. Bereket, hit the play button…Hit it. … Annnny day now… ta-la-frinckin’ la…. It’ll just be a minute, ladies and gentlemen. We are trying to find Bereket. Bereket? Bereket? For God's sake would someone put a frickin’ bell on him or something.
Ana Gomes: This is outrageous!
Meles: It is. He just wonders away without telling me. Anyway, about my life.I was born in
Condi Rice: Oooookaaayyyy… this is not productive.
Meles: Wait. I haven’t told you about the time we went to Addis Abeba to tweeze out the fingernails of males whose name ended with an ‘A’…
Hilary Benn: I don’t think those are pertinent details.
Meles: You don’t seem to comprehend, Mr. Benn. When I get angry, the ghost of Mr. Lenin gets upset. And when the ghost of Mr. Lenin gets upset... people die!
Hilary Benn: How can we prevent you from killing your own people, because now we are getting reports that outside of
Meles: Democracy, my dear Mr. Hilary Benn… isn’t Hilary a girl’s name? Democracy is relative. And it is not related to me.
Ana Gomes: Do you think it is ironic that we have to ask you not to kill people?
Meles: Is someone talking? I don’t hear anything. Anyone here speak fembot-ian.
Donald Yamamotto: What are you trying to tell us, Mr. Prime Minister? We have been in talks about helping establish peace in
Meles: An evil peace?
Donald Yamamotto: No. Just the kind of peace you see in paradise.
Meles: An evil paradise?
Condi Rice: I assume you barged in for a good reason, Mr. Zenawi. It seems to me that you hate the Ethiopian people and you just want to kill them.
Jeffrey Sachs: I have to interject here. Actually, the love that the Prime Minister has for Ethiopians is quite overwhelming. He has dedicated his life to ending poverty and he has proven himself one of the most brilliant leaders in the world. He loves the Ethiopian people, and from what I saw they love him…
Meles: Jeffy, actually Condi is right. I hate them. And I want to kill all of them. But they are quite a wily bunch.
Jendayi Frazer: This is going nowhere. Did you have something specific you wanted to talk about Mr…?
Meles: I want everyone to start calling me Dr. Meles from now on. I didn’t spend six years in 12th grade to be called “mister.”
Tim Clarke: This is blasphemous.
Meles: Blasphemy, Mr. Clarke, is that I have to beg you people to understand the depth of my power. Blasphemy is that I have to drag myself up and put on this quasi-futuristic suit which I had to design myself and degrade myself into begging you to take my evilness seriously. Blasphemy is that I had one simple request, and that is to rig one lousy election and have ballots with frickin' laser beams attached! Blasphemy is that now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here!
Condi Rice: Mr. Zenawi! For God’s sake! We are busy people!
Meles: I am intriguingly aroused by your silent fury, Madam Secretary. Alas, the satellite feed is about to fade so I have to make this quick. I want you people to stop telling me what to do. I want you to stop filling up these Ethiopian people with gobbledygook notions of freedom and liberty. Everything was fine until you came along. And most of all, I will continue killing people unless you give me… one… million dollars!
Bereket: Er… your Excellency… we..
Bereket: But one million…
Bereket: ...dollars is…
Meles: Knock, knock?
Bereket: Who’s there?
Bereket: They already give us…
Bereket: But sir, they…
Meles: What’s shh! minus shh!?
Bereket: What I am saying is…
Meles: Control, Alt… Shh!
Bereket: A million dollars is…
Meles: Sh-uh, schoo, shee, scha, schE, … shh!
Bereket: Really, Sir…
Meles: My favorite Teddy Afro song… Shhhhhhhemindefer.
Hilary Benn: I believe what your advisor is trying to tell you is that we already give you 1.9 billion dollars in aid.
Meles: Yes. But why give me billion when you can give me… one m-m-million!
Ana Gomes: This is bizarre.
Meles: Did… did… someone say something or was that the macabre sound of a mosquito sucking blood?
Condi Rice: You want us to pay you not to kill your people?
Meles: Oh, you can pay me to kill them too.
Donald Yamamotto: This does not compute.
Meles: I’ll tell you what does not compute, Mr. Hello Motto. Get it? Hello? Motto? Or hallow motto? It’s… a…. not quite a homonym, not quite alliteration. Never mind. What does not compute is me begging permission from you people to kill my own people. That, now, does not compute! You have been warned. Either you pay me… one… m-m-million dollars…
Bereket: One million is lower than one billion.
Meles: Oh. Okay. You see these are the kind of things I need to know in advance. You pay me, one… ca-jillion dollars or I will start shooting at people while they celebrate some religious holiday.
Bereket: We, um, already did that, Sir.
Meles: You see…? No one tells me anything. Have you people heard of top-down communication? It’s a … really? We did that? Okay. You give me… one… maxtrillion dollars or I will shoot people while they… take a nap? Have we done that yet?
Bereket: No. Not in the strictest sense, Sir.
Meles: Okay. You have 72 hours. Tick-tock, tick-tock. Call me. Okay, people, let’s cue in the music and end transmission. Are we still on? No? Okay then. I think that scared them, huh?
Bereket: You did very well, your Excellency. I know they were quivering under your commanding presence. They are, after all, cowards who can’t face a few killings.
Meles: How much money is maxtrillion dollars?
Bereket: A lot.
Meles: Enough to buy me a laser-guided toothbrush?
Bereket: Indeed. Perhaps even enough for two. Your mastership is…
Meles: Shut up!
Bereket: Oh, sir. I wish I knew how to quit you.
Condi Rice: Um… you know we can still hear you, right?
Meles: Goddamit, Bereket! I will…… [inaudible] you, you mother [expletive]. You incompetent…
Special thanks to Arada Lij via EP. Sorry for terrible re-photoshopping.