Saturday, October 15, 2005

To Blog is Human, To Parody Divine

Two superb biting satires I’d like to bring to your attention:

what we did at the parliament (by Right Said Meles) at Egoportal, and

Deep Thoughts at Aqumada

EPRDF!
Huh!
What is it good for?
Abbzolutlee nothing!

Except being lampooned.


Unfortunate Typos of the Week:

Aiga: “Fortunately Anna Gomez and her report were not to be heard, thanks to the Prime Minister’s slum dunk exposé that outlined the contradiction…”

Walta Disinformation Center: “The intelligentsia – A masquarade

I told you. Ever since our friend Ato Bereket left the Ministry of Information for a pro-demotion to “Public Relations Advisor to the Prime Minister” (it’s a ministerial position, thank you for asking, that might/might not entail being the prime minister’s personal beeyotch) things have categorically gone downhill.

Further evidence:

The, um, self-appointed EU Parliament came up with these bits of colonial viceroyish advice for the EPRDF and Ato Meles. Among the ultra-viceroyity points is this piece of uber viceroilty:

Calls on the government also to respect the fundamental principles of the constitution, especially fundamental freedoms and human rights;

All of Wonqville convulsed with anticipation… soon, very soon, a serialized 20,980-word tsunami will surely engulf the Ethiopian Herald, each magnificently vapid phrase beautifully crafted by the prime minister himself. Hunker down in the pleasure dome, boys and girls, this is gonna be…

Alas, no. The most the Ethiopian government was able to spit out was a sulky two-paragraph retort. Yeah, it was still intractably self-righteous and insolent… but it was disappointingly sans that certain … Melesesque joie de vivre the prime minister reigns on humanity whenever he is poked with a sharp stick.

The statement issued by the parliament of the European Union on the 13th of Oct. 2005 is regrettably based on the discredited report of Ana Gomez, Chief Observer of the EU EOM, and is a continuum of vilification campaign started by her.

Hm. Discredited? “Continuum of vilification” (what is that?)?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Ethiopian government’s entire response to the EU Parliament is… Ana Gomes sucks. Oh, and the EUP’s resolution is solely based on her wicked vilification and not on … say, the EPRDF’s douchebaggery-ness.

And here’s a sampling of what the EPRDF thinks is vilification:

Welcomes the opening of the dialogue between the government and the opposition on 2 October, and hopes that it will continue and be successfully concluded;

Dialogue? That’s the new “c” word in Ethiopia.

Welcomes the opposition’s commitment to working in the constitutional framework without resorting to violence;

What the hell kind of political organization does not resort to violence? It is positively undemocratic, unconstitutional, unacceptable. Unspeakably so.

Calls on the government to guarantee opposition access to the media, as was made available in the run-up to the 15 May election;

This is the worst kind of vilification!

Calls on all political parties to work towards a political solution that will secure the parliament’s democratic prerogatives and establish stable government that will last;

No you did’n go there, EU Parliament!

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Ana is sharpening her nails as we speak. Duck!

The EPRDF ends this teaser of a response with a vague semi-flaccid anticlimax:

The Ethiopian Government believes that it is high time for the European Union Parliament to honestly assess the objective realities in Ethiopia and refrain from such vilification campaigns, which do not in any way contribute to the democratization process in Ethiopia.

Yes. If there is an area the Ethiopian government needs no help in is in diligently not contributing to the democratization process. So please, EU Parliament… peddle your viceroyness somewhere else.

I am, however, intrigued by the recommendation that the EU “honestly assess the objective realities in Ethiopia.” Whatever could that mean? Surely, it’s not one of those masked threats? Something like, “You better back off, oh ye sodomite viceroits, lest we unleash carnage on the people you are responsible for feeding! Remember, we are the stabilizing force in the Horn, and a partner in the War Against Terror. Don’t make us kill our own people, because we will… ?

Nah.

What are the “objective realities in Ethiopia” these days anyway?

So you see what I mean… no dismal pop culture references, no low-watt slurs, not even one dinky, existential “what would the peasant do” reference.

I am hurt.

Well, here’s hoping that the new Minister of Information will speed read through the “Bereket Simon Guide to Speaking Melesocracy, Version 5.” We can’t be treated this way.

If you are at all curious, here is Walta Disinformation Center’s complete list of ministers, with each one’s gender and, um, ethnic background. I wish they’d do that in the States:

  • Secretary Elaine Chao, Department of Labor, F, Asian-American
  • Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, Department of Justice, M, One of them Hispanicky-Americans
  • Secretary Gale Norton, Department of Labor, F, WASP
  • Secretary Condoleezza Rice, Department of State, F, Afro-American (the civilized kind)
  • Secretary Michael O. Leavitt, Department of Health and Human Services, M, Half-German-half-Swedish-American (but looks like a Texan!)
  • Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Department of Defense, M, talks like an American-American, drinks like an Irish-American.
  • Secretary Michael Chertoff, Department of Homeland Security, M, has some “Stan” background—Uzbekistan/Afghanistan/MniTissiyo-stan

Now that the EPRDF has plunked Debebe Eshetu, famous Ethiopian dramatist and CUD public relations sage in the clinker, perhaps he can be talked into tutoring Ato Meles’ apparatchiks on Diplomacy 101 and Ityopiyawi CHewinet.

31 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, you are one of a kind. I stumbled on this blog accidently. You sure are a pain in the ass of Meles and his stooges. Enjoyed your comments thoroughly.The stinging observation with its delicioso humor is superb. Please keep it up.

5:42 AM, October 15, 2005  
Anonymous not genet zewdie said...

i think it's a marvelous idea. all of us leaving comments in wonqville should hereby state our ethnicity.

byw, did we even have a moment of silence for genet zewdie? it can't always be about bereket.

NGZ
mekanissa-ethiopian (but looks like a boleian)

11:42 AM, October 15, 2005  
Blogger kuchiye said...

Meles lamented...

"Now c'mon Wonq, I know where you are heading with this one...you are claiming all these appointments of none-Tigraians is window dressing and that real power is where it always was? What can I say, it's a thankless job."

12:53 PM, October 15, 2005  
Anonymous bole-american said...

mekannisa-americans are chauvanist nefteNas!

1:19 PM, October 15, 2005  
Anonymous salsaliti said...

dear wonqs,

there will be a special meeting on the current political stalemate in ethiopia and the potential crisis which will be held in washington dc on saturday, october 22. the meeting is sponsored by the merkato-ethiopians in the diaspora society. several merk-ets community leaders will be speaking. everyone is welcome.

2:45 PM, October 15, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wonQ,
did you have time to hear the recent speech of the pm dude-on the failed etv? please bless us with yet another exposé as the aiga intelligentsia would say ...
the dude is saying i am the state!! was this of the 16th century?

8:03 AM, October 16, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Talk about diversity, I mean Nation and Nationalities, Wonqville is the place to be. Have you guys checked this letter to Meles and his wushmas (beeyooches = cabinets)@ http://www.quatero.net/frames/zena.pdf .
Kazanchiz-ethiopian (aka yifat-american)

9:45 AM, October 16, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

salsaliti:

sorry to tell you, but we Frash Terra-Ethiopians have split from the Merkarto-Ethiopians organization. I have heard also that the Shiro Mayda Merkato-Ethiopians are also splitting with you people.

Thank you.
Frash-Terra Peoples Liberation Front

11:01 AM, October 16, 2005  
Anonymous newly wonqetized said...

I know I've been out of the ET Politics scene, but,

I am loving the new Minister of Information, who I presume had something to do with the response of the EPRDF government to the EU Parliament. To dismiss a bunch of snobbish europeans that they've all been duped by the "vilification" of ONE woman? To personalize this thing? Schhhhweet! Did the opposition hand pick this guy for Meles?

A Jimma-Sebeta Ethiopian, F.

3:12 PM, October 16, 2005  
Anonymous ye filwiha said...

NGZ

anchi godolo bilesh bilesh demo minn ametash...

I have long been out anyway ;-)

Ye Filwiha Ethiopian

4:02 PM, October 16, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice one.As a mixed kazantchis-aratkilo ethiopian, i am called 'ambaguenen' by some because i don't want to choose side...Keep up.

6:17 AM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am too sexy for ethinic politics.

Ye Bel-Air American

9:26 AM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous Yohannes said...

why should Ana "viagra" Gomes care what EPRDF says about her? Ain't she livin' large what with getting 20% of the money we send to the CUD?

Ahh, if my mother is from axum and my father is from debre zeit/adama/finfine, but i was raised in lehegar, which liberation front do i belong to?

chigir new.

2:54 PM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous not anonymous said...

We are the proud members of the Fraternal Association (for the) Rehabilitation of Arriviste Abyssinians(FARAA).

We tolerate Mekanissa-Ethiopians who look like Boleans! But, we can’t stand Ye Bel-Air and Bole-Americans!

And, no, we’re NOT too sexy for ethinic politics. In fact, we’re not too sexy, period! But we do get plenty of sex because, where sex is concern-ed, we don’t discriminate! Even against them Bole-girls.

FARAA lezelalem yinur!

2:55 PM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous puff-ababiye said...

We Beqlo Bet Ethiopians are sick and tired of the backwardness of Addis Ababa/Finfine-Ethiopians, who lag behind us in hipness and intellectualism. Therefore, we are happy to announce the launching of our struggle for liberation - Beqlobet Emancipation Towards Autonomy Movement: BETAM. We will work closely with our brothers and sisters in FARAA, except we accept all sexiness, especially from Bole-Ethiopians. Our joint effort with FARRA will henceforth be called the BETAM-FARAA initiative.

Long live the people of Beqlo Bet, who have been created from a better mold.

3:31 PM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous not genet zewdie said...

yonnie,
your mother might be from axum, your father from from addis, but your cyber wife is from mekannisa. so you belong to us. we are the majority and we will eventually take over. egnaw enawaTahalen.

yefilwuha, your liberation front can't beat my liberation front.

victory against the betam faraas!

3:38 PM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous not anonymous said...

I’m afraid we at FARAA have to decline the offer of a merger with Beqlobet Ethiopians.

For all we know, this could be the same “vilified” Bole-girls trying to infiltrate our movement in disguise.

Call us paranoid if you like, but there is something in “Beqlo” that calls up the image of Bole-girls! Sorry, BETAM, but you’ve been added to our “continuum of vilification!”

5:29 PM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear FARAAs,

consider joining the TILQ group: Total Isolation and Liberation of Qebena. We could be TILQ-FARAA together.

La Continua Continuum Viliferacium.

6:22 PM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous puff ababiye said...

It is deeply regrettable that the Beqlobet Emancipation Towards Autonomy Movement (BETAM) has been denied partnership with the FARAA outfit.
We assert that that Ana Gomes is behind this rebuff, and that she is demanding that she be paid 30% of monetary contributions by OSD FARAAs. We in BETAM have been forced to therefore strip the FARAA group of any immunity it might have enjoyed had we joined forces. But since we are not joining forces, all FARAAs are now required not to have immunity—just as a precaution.

6:32 PM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sebhat le ab! what we who never understood ethnic policy could not do fo 14 years, yall did in these comments. ere wediya!

9:14 PM, October 17, 2005  
Anonymous not anonymous said...

BETAM,

There’s no reason to get all bent out of shape over our refusal to join hands.
This stripping business was totally uncalled for! We must, however, concede that you Beqlobet-girls sure enough know how to strip!

So, what’s next for you Beqlobet-girls? We at FARAA think you’re aptly named to join the rubber-stamp Parliament. Like the Beqlo, the most obedient, loyal and submissive of all domestic animals, we think you’re easy to mount, easy to ride and go the entire stretch without once saying “no” to the Man!

TILQ-Group,

We like your name but sorry, the NBE says you ain’t no legally registered group! Go merge with Beqlobet!

11:12 AM, October 18, 2005  
Anonymous not genet zewdie said...

yee-haouza!
FARAAs have major hostility issues. they've been in the jungle too long.

12:32 PM, October 18, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

love you to death, not anonymous, but too low a hit for you. your more subtler double entendres are much more effective. i say that wiz luv.

1:55 PM, October 18, 2005  
Anonymous not anonymous said...

anonymous,

was it a semi-flaccid anti-climax for you? I'm sorry, kid! I'll try to double-entendre you into a dazzling douchbaggery next time, I promise!

Lenegeu gn, about this "wiz luv" siletebalew guday: Inde? If THIS is what you say to me in Amity, what would you say in Enmity?

2:29 PM, October 18, 2005  
Anonymous ye filwiha said...

Yohannes,

ante-- gooood, goood - antu yetebalik yetemarik, yetemeramerik lij, ye W/rt NGZ balebet (she's actually W/ro but nevermind that;-) -- there's no "chigir.." at all - the problem with you is, I think, you're way too much an Ethiopian -- I'm no blasphemer, but as ye bole American said, you remind me what we call "chauvinists and neftegnas..etc" or whatever "superlatives" our new Mastawokya Minster comes up with ... if you can't find a group to join, you ought to form your own liberation front and liberate your thingy.... with all your reluctance, no wonder ye legehar dildiy is still oppressed and people walking their "neftegna" behind up and down on it...

NGZ, ask your man whether he's in or out -- banchi yamiral ;-)

5:57 PM, October 18, 2005  
Anonymous Yohannes said...

Ye Fil Wuha,

you are right beTammunu. sew 'fara' sil leka inew farichalehu. ay sew. i am now schooled in the liberation front dir-i-dir.

therefore, with pleasure, i announce that i have started the Qidus Yosef Timhirt Bet Peoples Liberation Front. bole-ethiopians of the fairer sex welcome, tadiya. and especially one mekannisa-et who looks like a b-ET.

ye nege sew yibelen.

NGZ? Weizero?? Gud sysemma meskerem aytebam silu leka....

8:08 PM, October 18, 2005  
Anonymous not anonymous said...

A while back, the illustrious Seleda-editors had this on “How to get your child into St. Joseph School:

“Pump child with illegal steroids to increase testosterone level. Prove to administrators that child can "take a lickin' and keep on ticking". (Demonstrate by bashing child's head against brick wall and inviting all teachers to do the same.) Wear a "My child will be having sex with your honor roll kid" T-shirt.”

We want to know, Yohannes, if the above criteria (with minor modification) applies to admission into your Qidus Yoseph Timihirt Bet Liberation Front.

11:37 AM, October 19, 2005  
Anonymous salsaliti said...

ohhhhhh, snap! no you d'nt go there, NA.

2:30 PM, October 19, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Time for a next blog

2:57 PM, October 19, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have personal unauthorized information for public display that is killing our efforts - We are not writing letters to leaders for you to play with. I need to know how it got there and how it can be taken out - I am extremely disappointed and have emailed you several times on this. It is extremely disappointing.

9:23 AM, November 11, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.cudethiopia.org/pressreleases/CUD_Nov_10_2005.pdf

9:23 PM, November 11, 2005  

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