The Meles Zenawi Diaries- Exclusive!

I was just saying… I hope the jailed opposition members and journalists are keeping a diary as they wait for the slooow wheel of misfortune that is the EPRDF’s justice system, which consists of shuffling papers, perfecting the art of convicting people before charging them and making sure that no one except the EPRDF dry humps the Ethiopian constitution.

Anyway. But won’t diaries written in solitary confinement in four-by-four meter cells make for some good reading once Prime Minister Meles settles in in the mansion next to Mengistu in the sprawling suburbs of Zimbabwe?

So I was thinking about all of that when…

The now famous “Wonqville (on) crack” research team informed me that it has managed to get a copy of a diary being written by none other than our fearless leader, Prime Minister Meles Zenawi, who has resorted to more modern means of augmenting the way he deals with stress that go beyond giving orders to shoot unarmed citizens. Ah, the burdens of Renaissance Men. How do they do it?

Here’s a juicy entry dated December 1, 2005

Dear Diary,

As I have been telling you for the past three weeks, like all great leaders I am misunderstood and unappreciated during my time. In 20 years, when I head the World Bank’s “Office of What do we do with former despots”, people will finally realize the wisdom with which I led Ethiopia. They will teach my Three-Part Letter in response to that Ana Gomes in history books all over the world. Vengeance shall be mine. In the meantime, I have been forced and provoked into getting vengeance the old fashioned way, which irritates me to no end, just so you know. I feel stifled by busy-bodies who think they are smarter than me. If only I could round them up and… oh. I have already. Well, that makes me feel a little better.

By the way, it is vexing that other African countries are mimicking my tactics without giving me proper credit. Thieves, all of them. Museveni finally came to his senses and arrested that anti-peace opposition traitor Kizza Besigye and charged him with treason and terrorism.

Did that.

And it took those incompetents in Kenya this long to ban opposition-led demonstrations.

Been there. Bought the t-shirt. Except my friend Jimmy Carter endorsed my ban on demonstrations.

I give and give. People take and take. Not even one lousy thank you.

But I have moved on to bigger things.

Now that I have brought democracy to Ethiopia, now that my parliament emulates the UK’s, now that Africans are following my lead, it is time to expand my range. This brings me to the project I am working on now.

Frankly speaking, I am very disturbed by what is happening in the U.S. of A. Once a great nation, it is quickly declining in stature. Since my talents are wasted in Africa, I think it is time I focus on how to make U.S. of A great again. To that end, I am working on a manifesto. I am too modest to name it after myself, but I the working title for now is, “How to Re-Make the U.S. of A.: Prescriptions to Save a Nation from Decline” By: Meles Zenawi.”

There are certain things that need tweaking in the American democracy.

For example, President Bush has yet- and it’s been nearly two years now- to arrest John Kerry and charge him with treason. I know there is a war and such, but really! For a country that claims to be civilized... This is a travesty. Mr. Kerry had very clearly tried to overthrow the Bush administration. He even said it! Yet he is allowed to roam free. It besmirches democrats like me who are working extra hard for a safer world. So the good Mr. Kerry (between you and me, Dear Diary, I think he is on the take from Ethiopians in the diaspora, just like a certain self-appointed viceroy whose name I won’t mention because it will sully the sanctity of this entry) is free to keep challenging Mr. Bush. This will be unacceptable in the new world.

Also, in my research for the manifesto I was shocked to find out that the US government does not own any, any of the top businesses in the country. This is just not just dim-witted, it is downright irresponsible. Even in a poor country like Ethiopia, we have ensured that the biggest beer distillery, advertising company and the likes are owned by the EPRDF or FOEs (Friends of EPRDF). That the U.S. of A is not the sole owner of Budweiser, for example, is something we new economic hawks will never understand. And how shrewd is it to let Viacom, the biggest media company in the world, run willy-nilly free of any government ownership? This is economic heresy. No wonder there is gay marriage in the U.S. of A! Shouldn’t the Republican Party own Bank of Ameica? Yes. Does it? No.

I think the U. S. of A needs to be saved from itself, is what I think.

The US State Department has accurately said, “Trade barriers favored party-owned businesses.” I thank the State Department for recognizing us for that effort. Perhaps we can start dialogue on how to “fold” Wal-Mart under the US government owned “economic revitalization” plan. I will mention this to the new Ambassador, as soon as the US sends one.

Today Ethiopia thrives because I have managed to make the government lean and mean. No government official has just one job. They all moonlight. For example, let’s take the chairman of the National Election Board, my friend Kemal Bedri- who I appointed to the NEB. Well, elections happen only once every five years. What’s he going to do the remainder of the time? So on off years Kemal is also the president of the Federal Supreme Court of Ethiopia. It’s what we call… streamlining. And didn’t it work fine? When the opposition said that I had rigged the election, the NEB, the EPRDF and the opposition leaders were called to dialogue by and some meddling ferenjies. Finally, when I knew we were at an impasse I said, “Oh, yeah. Well, take it to the Supreme Court.” So Kemal had to leave the room, go to the bathroom, put on the robe, come back and… viola, problem solved.

So, one of the suggestions I will be making in the manifesto is for similar streamlining in the US’ bloated political government bureaucracy. For example, Antonin Scalia. He works how many months a year? Six months? Well, why can’t he also be head of something called the US Election Board? (All these state election boards are wasteful and will be phased out in stages… or one stage.) I should note here for posterity that Kemal did a bang up job in Elections 2005.

But the biggest hurdle facing the US of A in the new millennium is that is has yet to embrace “ethnic federation.” This will be the cause of the U.S. of A’s eventual downfall. Its antiquated congress/senate paradigm is as obsolete as the Geneva Conventions and as archaic as “separate branches of government.” It’s disturbing but so far there is no evidence indicating that it is willing to rectify this anomaly.

I worry. I worry that if the U. S of A does not look into re-structuralizing its government it will soon be the Roman Empire of the 21^st century. (Let is be noted that I said this on December 1, 2005. I want due credit when America falls.)

So, it is in this vein that I have structured a system that has worked for Ethiopia and applied it to the US of A. My ethnic policies have fostered peace, love and understanding in Ethiopia, despite what those interwhame-loving opposition leaders wanted to bring upon us.

As I said back in June,

"As the opposition knows they cannot win the elections, they are now preaching anti-peace and anti-harmony among people and (promoting) ethnic hatred. The government is ready to break this tendency by using administrative means.”

Now you tell me that was not brilliant. You see, I called it “administrative means.” And then I capped it with this salient conclusion/comparative brilliance:

When the Interahamwe of Rwanda preached hatred among people, the end result was, as everyone knows, devastating. Ethiopian opposition is following the same trend to create havoc and hatred among people by agitating fabricated agendas.

That statement will one day be emblazoned on t-shirts and giant coffee mugs everywhere.

I have explained time and time again that identifying with the type of blood that runs in your veins is the best way to forward economic prosperity. Oh, sure. My detractors, including the ones I have taken, um, administrative measures on, have tried to denigrate my policy, calling it tribalism and Bantustan, as if those were bad things.

I thank my friend Harold Marcus (may his soul be blessed) for taking notes at a special meeting I called in Washington on October 20, 1995, bringing together the who’s-who of American Ethiopianists (though Donald Levine is dead to me now). If I may quote from Professor Marcus’ notes:

Annette Scheckler inquired about the ideological basis of Ethiopia s ethnic federation.

Meles clarified that the ethnic basis of Ethiopia’s democracy stemmed from the government’s fight against poverty and the need for an equitable distribution of the nation’s wealth: peasants must be enabled to make their own decisions in terms of their own culture. Power must be devolved to them in ways that they understand, and they understand ethnicity. Meles added that he believes that ethnicity will become less an issue as the economy grows and Ethiopia’s process of assimilation does its job.

I am humbled but gratefully shocked that I was endowed with this much wisdom even in the 90s.

But enough about me. Back to the US of A. Although it is a thankless job, I took it upon myself to draw this map of the future United States. I will fax it to Condi Rice. If she accepts it is ingenious and worthy of looking into, I will resign my post as prime minister and dedicate the rest of my life to this project. After all, God has not destined me to be the big fish in a small pond in perpetuity.

I drafted this map on a paper napkin while I was getting lectured by Tony Blair about how I was embarrassing him, so it’s still in the early stages. As soon as Bereket Simon returns from some seminar I sent him to so he can pretend he is gainfully employed, I will have him put it on Photoshop. Anyway, compare it with the Regional map of Ethiopia.

Pretty nifty, eh?

I will have to leave now. Dear Diary, I wish the world was like you. I can do whatever I want with you and you just accept and love me. How I do cherish you.

Next time I will draft the speech I will be giving when I accept the Nobel Peace Prize. Oh mark my words I will get the peace prize. “By any administrative means necessary!”

Until the next opportunity arises where I have a moment to think clearly,

Yours truly,

Meles.

Hmm. Hope the on crack research team gets hold of more of these diaries. By the way, ran into this verrrry interesting article Addis Fortune published way back in September 4, 2004—a biting missive on former World Bank president Joseph Stiglitz. What Professor Stiglitz Failed to See. Remember when Addis Fortune used to have… what that thing called when you….that… when it had… balls?