How to Hug an EPRDFffer

A while ago this blog declared June 15 “Hug an EPRDFffer Day”, which pill-popping iconoclast Wonq-villager, Dube, recently brought up.

It is a gem of an idea until you realize how irresponsible it is to send people on a EPRDFffer hugging mission without arming them with instructions. It is equivalent to sending people to war sans, say, a gun: something likely to get them, what’s that thing called when you stop breathing… killed.

Therefore, following are some pointers on how to hug an EPRDFffer straight from the desk of the senior fellow at the Institute de Wonqvillie’s EPRDF Identification Division, Dr. Menqarra Chraq, a self-appointed colonial vocal diasporan, Imperial Revanchist (™ Jeffrey Sachs), known chauvinist, proven “vanguardist” and unabashed revisionist (yes, actual title).

You’re welcome.

Hugging an EPRDFfer: Methodology and Modality to Avoid Being Maimed

• Identification of Specimen:

While identifying the typical EPRDFffer (‘the specimen’) in its natural milieu (Sheraton Addis, parliament, at Non-Aligned Movement summits where crazy people gather to compare neurosis’- ?neurosi?) is easy, spotting specimen outside its comfort zone requires tactical dexterity and scholarly adroitness.

Essential to understand specimen does not readily admit EPRDFffing status for fear of:

a) ridicule

b) being intellectually challenged

c) possible repercussions of randomly gunning down opponents outside of Ethiopia

d) more ridicule

This has made specimen especially defensive. Therefore, diligence is required to properly identify and cozy up to the specimen.

A few pointers:

1) Sidle up to specimen and say something about “the damn Shoan Empire” and carefully note reaction. Typical EPRDFffer will start twitching involuntarily.

2) Casually insinuate how “rule of law” has to be “respected.” Perking of ears signifies positive litmus test.

3) Set up scenarios of how happy a place Ethiopia would be without the peace-hating, burgeoning democracy-smashing, constitution-usurping opposition type people. Specimen will demonstrably glow.

Note: specimen is naturally paranoid and insecure so the identification and nurturing process can be long and tedious. Patience and suspension of lucid thought are two sine qua nons huggers should ‘carb up’ on.

• From Identification to Approach: Dos and Don’ts

Once you have identified an EPRDFffer:

I. Do NOT try dry hugging the specimen.

II. DO ease the initial hugging process with ample self important lubricant.

III. DO mention how Shabiya/Eritrea is behind everything evil.

IV. Do NOT mention that TPLF and EPLF were bosom buddies.

V. DO mention how Prime Minister Meles is a ‘modern progressive leader’ with ‘a vision of democracy’ that rivals the Founding Fathers.

VI. Do NOT mention the PM’s “psychopathic willingness to kill his own people to keep power.”

VII. DO expound on the intellectual convoy Ato Meles carries on his shoulders.

VIII. Do NOT mention any chips weighing down Ato Meles’ shoulders.

IX. DO accept specimen’s random, disconnected statistics quoting proclivities.

X. DO nod in reverence about how Ethiopia is balooning with democracy.

XI. Do NOT offer suggestions on… anything… any time.

XII. DO demonstrate and assure specimen you are not armed with stones (can result in being strangled or shot through the head at point blank range.)

Hugging the EPRDFfer: Debunking Myths and Folklore

Once the specimen has been properly identified and cautiously hugged, using proper post-hugging protocol will minimize bodily harm. Some myths:

A. Hugging specimen, while will potentially freeze your soul, will not result in Transferred Evil Syndrome. (Note, however, no long term studies to validate this claim available. Caveat emptor.)

B. Despite wishful thinking, said hug not shown to have any positive effect on specimen’s disposition towards human rights, torture or affection for bizarre ‘genocide’ trials.

C. Yes, do not breathe in deeply any specimen spores.

D. Some hugging episodes have resulted in chaffed loins. Consult your physician immediately.

E. In rare occasions, smell of sulfuric acid has followed hugging event. This should not elicit panic unless hugger’s clothing starts spontaneously combusting.

F. It is acceptable to share a cigarette post hug.

G. Do not promise to call specimen as you zip up and leave. It’s tacky and it makes the specimen crankier than normal when you don’t.

H. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Now, go hug. And... enjoy ?