Friday, October 27, 2006

How to Hug an EPRDFffer

A while ago this blog declared June 15 “Hug an EPRDFffer Day”, which pill-popping iconoclast Wonq-villager, Dube, recently brought up.

It is a gem of an idea until you realize how irresponsible it is to send people on a EPRDFffer hugging mission without arming them with instructions. It is equivalent to sending people to war sans, say, a gun: something likely to get them, what’s that thing called when you stop breathing… killed.

Therefore, following are some pointers on how to hug an EPRDFffer straight from the desk of the senior fellow at the Institute de Wonqvillie’s EPRDF Identification Division, Dr. Menqarra Chraq, a self-appointed colonial vocal diasporan, Imperial Revanchist (™ Jeffrey Sachs), known chauvinist, proven “vanguardist” and unabashed revisionist (yes, actual title).

You’re welcome.

Hugging an EPRDFfer: Methodology and Modality to Avoid Being Maimed

  • Identification of Specimen:

While identifying the typical EPRDFffer (‘the specimen’) in its natural milieu (Sheraton Addis, parliament, at Non-Aligned Movement summits where crazy people gather to compare neurosis’- ?neurosi?) is easy, spotting specimen outside its comfort zone requires tactical dexterity and scholarly adroitness.

Essential to understand specimen does not readily admit EPRDFffing status for fear of:

a) ridicule

b) being intellectually challenged

c) possible repercussions of randomly gunning down opponents outside of Ethiopia

d) more ridicule

This has made specimen especially defensive. Therefore, diligence is required to properly identify and cozy up to the specimen.

A few pointers:

1) Sidle up to specimen and say something about “the damn Shoan Empire” and carefully note reaction. Typical EPRDFffer will start twitching involuntarily.

2) Casually insinuate how “rule of law” has to be “respected.” Perking of ears signifies positive litmus test.

3) Set up scenarios of how happy a place Ethiopia would be without the peace-hating, burgeoning democracy-smashing, constitution-usurping opposition type people. Specimen will demonstrably glow.

Note: specimen is naturally paranoid and insecure so the identification and nurturing process can be long and tedious. Patience and suspension of lucid thought are two sine qua nons huggers should ‘carb up’ on.

  • From Identification to Approach: Dos and Don’ts

Once you have identified an EPRDFffer:

I. Do NOT try dry hugging the specimen.

II. DO ease the initial hugging process with ample self important lubricant.

III. DO mention how Shabiya/Eritrea is behind everything evil.

IV. Do NOT mention that TPLF and EPLF were bosom buddies.

V. DO mention how Prime Minister Meles is a ‘modern progressive leader’ with ‘a vision of democracy’ that rivals the Founding Fathers.

VI. Do NOT mention the PM’s “psychopathic willingness to kill his own people to keep power.”

VII. DO expound on the intellectual convoy Ato Meles carries on his shoulders.

VIII. Do NOT mention any chips weighing down Ato Meles’ shoulders.

IX. DO accept specimen’s random, disconnected statistics quoting proclivities.

X. DO nod in reverence about how Ethiopia is balooning with democracy.

XI. Do NOT offer suggestions on… anything… any time.

XII. DO demonstrate and assure specimen you are not armed with stones (can result in being strangled or shot through the head at point blank range.)

Hugging the EPRDFfer: Debunking Myths and Folklore

Once the specimen has been properly identified and cautiously hugged, using proper post-hugging protocol will minimize bodily harm. Some myths:

A. Hugging specimen, while will potentially freeze your soul, will not result in Transferred Evil Syndrome. (Note, however, no long term studies to validate this claim available. Caveat emptor.)

B. Despite wishful thinking, said hug not shown to have any positive effect on specimen’s disposition towards human rights, torture or affection for bizarre ‘genocide’ trials.

C. Yes, do not breathe in deeply any specimen spores.

D. Some hugging episodes have resulted in chaffed loins. Consult your physician immediately.

E. In rare occasions, smell of sulfuric acid has followed hugging event. This should not elicit panic unless hugger’s clothing starts spontaneously combusting.

F. It is acceptable to share a cigarette post hug.

G. Do not promise to call specimen as you zip up and leave. It’s tacky and it makes the specimen crankier than normal when you don’t.

H. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Now, go hug. And... enjoy ?

22 Comments:

Anonymous OoohMyEyesHurt said...

I feel really filthy after reading that. Need to go home and wash.

5:25 AM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Flying without wing.

Signs of prophetessetw.

6:36 AM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous kezira said...

oh yeah. hug and run. my favorite kind of hugging.

11:08 AM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Flying without wing?

If Meles and co. can build enduring democracy by gag, torture, mass arrest and false genocide charges, then I am sure it is also possible to fly without wings.

11:30 AM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous maleda said...

'zira,

I hugged an 'ffer today. No sulfer. No detectable freezing of the soul. But plenty of loin chaffing.

11:34 AM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous hugzembad said...

are they gonna wanna hug me back because that's the kind of commitment i can't handle.

11:37 AM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous molqaqa said...

....... can't we just write them a check? ...?

11:53 AM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous sir hugzalot said...

Um-um-um, am new to this. *WHY* are we hugging them in the first place? Is this a necrophilia thing I stumbled into?

Besides I thought hugging went out with glow-in-the dark condoms.

1:03 PM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous arogit said...

meteekz you would need glow in the dark condoms to tackle this task.

1:28 PM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous kezira said...

you are mistaken, Arogitay. You need to *glow in the dark*.

1:43 PM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous ye mankussaw welafen said...

you are filthy, filthy people with filthy, filthy minds.

Advice from the Elderly: the only way to protect yourself is if you only hug farm raised, cage free, non hormone fed 'EPRDFfers. However, if you choose to hug TPLFfers you need Jesus in your life.

2:27 PM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous not anonymous said...

molqaqa,

sorry, but no short-cuts! We're in this together. You may, however, hire yourself a proxy-hugger, if you must!

Sir, about them glow-in-the-dark thingies: s'motlih, how useful are they in helping you find your thingy?

2:43 PM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous molqaqa said...

Uff, the burdens of being an elite with entitlement issues! Okay, here goes, Not Anonymous. Here is my classified ad:

WANTED:

Individual (s) sought to act as surrogate hugger of an eprdf-like specimen.

will be handsomely rewarded (please, gorey details to yourself.)

will have to assume all risks associated with the hugging of an 'ffer.

interested? email cuteimperialrevanchist@nefteNa.org.

****

you see how much i love ethiopia?

5:07 PM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous dube said...

WTF! There are glow in the dark condoms and nobody told me?

You wonder why I take the pills?

10:42 PM, October 27, 2006  
Anonymous maleda said...

mTs, dube. there are also these things that record images on to a shiny round object.

more importantly, they now make organically grown eprdffers? meaning the chaffing can be taken care of with oatmeal?

4:07 AM, October 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Check www.uedpmedhin.org for Lidetu's eloquent writing for the intended discussion of Dr. Berhanu's book. The man is very intelligent unlike our good Dr.

4:21 PM, October 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No doubt he is a gifted writer, but he still lacks the articulation that can only be gotten by a formal education, which the Dr has. Remember he is very much of a "delala"

5:00 PM, October 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last anon,
I guess the founding fathers had that formal education, eh?

10:09 PM, October 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Non-Alilgned Movement, where crazy people gather. . " !!!
Where is this sentiment coming from? Who is talking here? It's very slippery to slide down towards the devil, you know!

3:33 AM, October 29, 2006  
Anonymous lilymimikiki said...

I think the ones with mefaqiya dangling from their steely lips are the cage free, organic EPRDFers.

but yes, I am all for sending them a check with one glow in the dark condom each.

10:04 AM, October 29, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

when you come up for occasional air from all this huggin and chaffin, could someone please write the preamble to the preamble to the preamble

2:33 PM, October 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

in preamble, with the preamble
at the preamble, regarding the preamble to the preamble of the preamble, what a preamble!!

4:27 PM, October 30, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home